Vampire Fetish

I have always been into biting, ever since the very first time Number One bit me hard on my right shoulder/neck area* and I moaned really loud because it felt so good. And I like to bite back. As far as sexual fetishes go, it's very, very tame. This summer, however, I realized another thing about myself: I have a vampire fetish. That was a harder thing to accept. I went for a week or two watching nothing but vampire movies and anime, getting incredibly turned on by fangs and biting and blood. My Tumblr page was all vampires and fangs and blood. I would get so worked up I'd masturbate at least once a day. I tried telling myself I was just really horny; after all, I was newly single.

The hardest part of the vampire fetish to reconcile was the blood. I could accept biting and fangs, but I had such a hard time with the blood. I didn't want to drink anyone's blood, and I certainly didn't want to be bitten to the point of bleeding. Blood exchange is risky. So where do we go from there? I would occasionally get filled with that blood lust, and it made me uncomfortable. I mean, a normal person doesn't crave blood in a sexual way, right? Thank god for Tumblr, honestly. I could look at aesthetically pleasing images of mouths, fingers, fangs dripping blood and it helped, immensely. It's such a hard thing to explain, how arousing it is, how satisfying even seeing fake blood was.

This is why I love the Internet. The Internet gives me a safe outlet to explore my sexuality, especially with what can be considered more "deviant" desires like vampirism and blood. I can satisfy my blood lust without actual harm, transmission of fluids, or risk of disease. And, as I've seen elsewhere, I'm not the only one with a vampire fetish. It's comforting.

*That's my favorite place to be bitten due to an old injury that has left the muscles kind of fucked up in that area. I make sure all partners know exactly where to bite me now. :)

You Make Me Want to be A Better Domme

Until recently, I identified as a switch with mild Domme tendencies. Over the last few months, I've realized I need to reclaim myself and embrace my Domme side. About a month ago, I met Dog. Dog, who approached me as a paypig, who was willing to learn and grow with me.

In this past month or so, my precious Dog has helped me discover things about myself, and explore those things. I really like dominating a man. I love humiliating him, degrading him, knowing it turns him on when I rub my feet on his face or roleplay a super humiliating scene. I love that I can meet his needs, but also meet my own needs. I never thought humiliating and degrading someone would be as much of a turn on as it is, but it is.

It's a thrill when I give an order and it's carried out. When I say "I want money, come over with your wallet" or "I'm hungry and placed an order. Go pay for it and deliver it to my house." Opening my email to find a giftcard waiting for my pleasure.

It had been about 6 years since I was last in a D/S relationship, and I was the sub then. But I'm understanding my Dom's side now. I'm understanding that part of me, and it's liberating, especially being in a time in my life where I find it harder and harder to switch and submit to anyone.

Thank you, Dog. You make me want to find new and more clever ways to humiliate you, take care of you, and meet your needs. Your Goddess is very lucky to have such a good boy like you to worship her.

Hypocrite, or "How to Look Guilty"

I mentioned a couple weeks ago I may have a fourth to add to my collective, but that I wasn't holding out hope because he's flaked on me in the past. He did end up flaking on me again and I haven't heard from him since. He and I are Facebook friends and former coworkers. He's engaged. Now, as I've mentioned before, taken or not, I'm discreet. I'm not the morality police, so if you want to cheat on your partner, I won't tell, but I won't lie for you, either. But honestly, one of the things that makes me laugh with derision and also paints a huge "I'm guilty" red flag are the constant postings on his Facebook of memes about loyalty and love, and how strong his relationship is, etc., etc..

If your relationship is so strong, then why do you want to cheat on your fiancee with me? Also, when he posted this image, I think I laughed out loud:

For real, if I was your woman, I would be so suspicious as to why you were posting that. Every time he's talked to me, the next day his Facebook is full of that shit. Dude, you look guilty as hell. You might as well let her log into your account and read our conversations, for real. 

Pillow Humping

Last night, #3 (Sanjay) and I  got together at a hotel for a booty call. I wasn't really feeling it though. Maybe trying to feel sexy after a night of drinking isn't a thing for me. Haha. Tonight was different.I found a Tumblr page dedicated to women humping things. I was already somewhat horny, and watching gifs and videos of girls humping pillows, stuffed animals, furniture... made it worse.

I gathered up a nearly-dead pillow, a firmer, cylindrical pillow, and a towel, and started. It felt great. But I wondered what it would feel like with penetration. I've only been on top with partners a couple  times. I always felt awkward. So tonight I put the glass boyfriend in me and went to town on the pillows.

Holy. Hell.

It felt so goddamn amazing, and at one point I reached around to hold the dildo in place so I could actually feel it going in an out as I rode. I came quick. It was an amazing orgasm. Such a shame I had to be quiet. After, I rolled over, put the towel under me, and gave myself another messy orgasm.

My cunt's feeling really good right now. :)

A Lonely Existence

I'm in a weird mood tonight. My Dog even tried to cheer me up by coming over with his wallet, buying me pizza, and some foot worship. As Christmas creeps around the corner, I'm grateful I don't have a significant other because I always spoil and over-spend on them (I was just talking to Number One about this last night as we reminisced about an expensive coffee pot I bought him one year). However, being a cyber mistress to a married man, a fuckbuddy with an ex, a fuckbuddy with an old friend, and a domme to a sub can be kind of lonely (not to mention I probably won't get Christmas presents, which shouldn't be important, but I like being spoiled). I don't want a relationship, I'm too bitter and jaded, but sometimes I want something that is mine. But maybe that's not it. I love the attention and always crave more, but maybe I miss the romance aspect of being in a relationship, not the relationship itself. I actually talk to and have great conversations with all my guys, even Dog when we're out of scene, but I kinda miss... romantic gestures from men. Dinner, movies, random flowers or gifts of my favorite candy, stupid shit like that. Sanjay will cuddle me all I want if I need it, Cyber will call me his beautiful Princess when I want adoration, but there's still a hole. Maybe I can only fill that with a relationship, which I am certainly emotionally not ready for, nor do I care to commit myself to one person any more (but I can't be in an open relationship because I can't share either). Maybe loneliness is my albatross to bear for the lifestyle I choose to lead.

I am a vampire who passes the night hours pondering her existence, a succubus who is always hungry for more.

It's lonely.

Building my Borg Collective Again

I thought I'd do an update on the state of my Borg Collective (yes, this big fucking geek is still giving her guys Borg designations, it just works better that way). It's been slow building but I'd rather have guys I'm comfortable with and trust.

Number 1: He and I talked last night after not having sex for a month and a half. What happened last time we had sex was he wanted to play a dominant role and wanted me to submit completely. I can't. I just can't submit to him. We've always had a fucked up power dynamic in our relationship, and I don't want a dom/sub relationship with him. So, we  talked last night. I asked if we could just fuck and not have the dom/sub thing. He agreed. That doesn't mean I won't enjoy the occasional choking/hair pulling/spanking but without submission. I told him if a potential booty call flakes on me today he can have me.

#2, aka Cyber Guy: My poor Cyber Guy has had it rough, a victim of domestic violence by his wife, just had surgery to fix what she hurt, and over the past two weeks she has left him and they amicably decided to divorce. He's my friend, but long-distance so I can't be there to support him as a friend, which is frustrating. I do what I  can, including drinking with him the night his wife left him, and giving him a bit of release one night when we were both horny. He's considering moving up here, and friends have kindly offered a room in their apartment, however it means I may have to break my "no guys in my apartment" rule. I might have to get cleaning...

#3, aka Sanjay: "Sanjay" was a surprise to me. I got a message on FetLife from someone saying they'd admired my beauty for a decade. I thanked them but then said "...decade? I haven't been on this site long enough." With a little probing, he revealed who he was. I was surprised, a little panicked, a little weirded out, not gonna lie. But we got talking (we were coworkers together a long time ago and friends on Facebook) and discovered/discussed each other's kinks/needs. However, he asked to be my #3 when I was on my period, a week before finals. I asked him to please wait two weeks, which he did, patiently. Last night was our first encounter. He went down one me three times. Holy hell. And we fucked... twice? Yes, twice. Very fun. My abs hurt this morning. He responds to feedback well (I may have told him "you can spank me, pull my hair, and fuck me like you hate me if you want") and can fuck hard, which I appreciate.

And, a fourth? We'll see on this one. Potential fourth guy wanted to fuck today but so far I haven't heard from him. He's flaked a few times now so I'm not holding out hope. He first propositioned me in September and just now remembered he still has a house nearby (he's in a relationship, so he'll be sneaking around. Again, I'm not the morality police, I'll be discreet). So that's... iffy.

My Dog: Sadly, my foray into fimdomme was very short-lived. My Dog couldn't afford to keep me. Part of being a good domme is empathy, and I am human, so I completely understood the financial strain when he told me. Very nice guy though. Would've been interesting to see where that went. C'est la vie.

Findomme

I discovered findom a few months back on Twitter, whining about wanting a sugar daddy because I am a Broke Grad Student(tm). My tweet got a like and I looked at the profile of the person that liked it, someone who called themself "humanatm." Wow. Here were men whose kink was handing over their money to women. At first, I found it a little off-putting, until I realized it was just another form of dom/sub via degradation and humiliation. I thought I'd give it a go, since I've done degradation and humiliation for Number 1 before. I researched a little bit more and changed my whole Fetlife profile, and had just about given up on being a findomme when I got a message from a local who was interested in being my paypig. That was... Friday. After roleplaying a little through text, we agreed to meet in person (and I did so without a picture or a last name, which is counter to my personal rules for meeting someone online). Over coffee (that I made him pay for), we discussed a few finer details of the arrangement, and then at the end, he handed me his wallet. I happily plucked out the thirty dollars that was in there (minus the ones, which I dismissively told him to keep) and expressed disappointment he had come with so little cash. It was kind of a rush to just... take.

I've decided, since I hate pigs, and he is so very  obedient, to call him my dog. He has been a good dog, so far.

My dog does love worshiping my feet, so I told him he will be bringing me to the salon Monday for a pedicure. Foolish creature thought the $30 I took from his wallet was for that. He was corrected.

Because I don't let anyone into my house, I decided to say "fuck it" to my finals last night and meet my dog for some foot worship in his truck. If you've read back, you'll know that my most recent ex was into feet, but he was squeamish and germophobic, so my feet had to be clean for him to touch them. Not so with my dog. I enjoyed rubbing them on his face and having him clean them with his tongue. And sucking my toes. Damn.

I'd never really had my toes sucked. It was hot. Very hot. And I got a lovely foot massage after.

The fact that there is no expectation for sex is still an adjustment for me. I'm used to guys just assuming they're getting sex from me. I was actually so turned on from the thrill of it all, the power, (and the danger, since we were in a semi-public place) and the toe sucking that I had my Cyber Guy talk me off until I had to run to the bedroom, toy in hand.

I'm new to findom, but I think my dog will help me to learn quickly.