How to Cheat and Not get Caught

I know that I haven't written a lot in the original spirit of this blog, which I started to write exclusively about being the Other Woman but then started to explore my own sexuality, sexual politics, and education, so, sleepless, during a snow storm, I realized that my laptop had juice and that some neighbor had power (and I don't) and a weak wifi signal I could piggyback off'n. So here we go. Run-on sentences and all. The Other Woman's guide to not getting caught cheating.

1. Make sure you've paid attention to CSI
Yes, I'm being serious. Leave no trace. If your lover comes to your house or apartment for your tryst, you damn well pick every hair up that they shed from the couch, bed, and rug. Tape works wonders. And if their hair is longer than your partner's, make sure you go over everything with a fine-toothed comb. Say you are a man cheating on your female lover with another female. Ask your lover not to finger-comb her JBF (just been fucked) hair out in your place. Those hairs shed and it's something you have to clean up after. And don't toss them in the bathroom trash either.

2. Trash
Don't flush your condoms. Your wastewater management people will thank you. Bury them in toilet paper in the trash. Someone bring you a yummy treat? Bury it in the trash, or, better yet take it out to the dumpster or take all the trash out (look honey, you didn't have to ask!). Something so innocent as a fast food wrapper can tip a suspicious partner off, trust me.

3. Delete delete delete
I don't care how sentimental and touching the text messages and voicemails are, delete them. Delete all call history and, in certain phones, all contact history. Sure you could have the person in the phone; "who is this?" "oh someone from work/sports team/activity/AA." Anyone can rationalize someone in their phone book, explaining explicit or emotional texts is harder when you have a snoopy  and suspicious partner.

4.Ditch the email, too
Or, at least create a super-private one if you must have email contact with your affair, but for the love of god delete your cache, cookies, and browser history. If your partner stumbles across a second email address they never knew about it's harder to lie about. It's an old one you're suddenly using again? You decided you didn't want Facebook linked to your regular email account? Yeah. Lame. 

Alrighty, I've run out of steam. Anyone else have any other tips?