A Lonely Existence

I'm in a weird mood tonight. My Dog even tried to cheer me up by coming over with his wallet, buying me pizza, and some foot worship. As Christmas creeps around the corner, I'm grateful I don't have a significant other because I always spoil and over-spend on them (I was just talking to Number One about this last night as we reminisced about an expensive coffee pot I bought him one year). However, being a cyber mistress to a married man, a fuckbuddy with an ex, a fuckbuddy with an old friend, and a domme to a sub can be kind of lonely (not to mention I probably won't get Christmas presents, which shouldn't be important, but I like being spoiled). I don't want a relationship, I'm too bitter and jaded, but sometimes I want something that is mine. But maybe that's not it. I love the attention and always crave more, but maybe I miss the romance aspect of being in a relationship, not the relationship itself. I actually talk to and have great conversations with all my guys, even Dog when we're out of scene, but I kinda miss... romantic gestures from men. Dinner, movies, random flowers or gifts of my favorite candy, stupid shit like that. Sanjay will cuddle me all I want if I need it, Cyber will call me his beautiful Princess when I want adoration, but there's still a hole. Maybe I can only fill that with a relationship, which I am certainly emotionally not ready for, nor do I care to commit myself to one person any more (but I can't be in an open relationship because I can't share either). Maybe loneliness is my albatross to bear for the lifestyle I choose to lead.

I am a vampire who passes the night hours pondering her existence, a succubus who is always hungry for more.

It's lonely.

Building my Borg Collective Again

I thought I'd do an update on the state of my Borg Collective (yes, this big fucking geek is still giving her guys Borg designations, it just works better that way). It's been slow building but I'd rather have guys I'm comfortable with and trust.

Number 1: He and I talked last night after not having sex for a month and a half. What happened last time we had sex was he wanted to play a dominant role and wanted me to submit completely. I can't. I just can't submit to him. We've always had a fucked up power dynamic in our relationship, and I don't want a dom/sub relationship with him. So, we  talked last night. I asked if we could just fuck and not have the dom/sub thing. He agreed. That doesn't mean I won't enjoy the occasional choking/hair pulling/spanking but without submission. I told him if a potential booty call flakes on me today he can have me.

#2, aka Cyber Guy: My poor Cyber Guy has had it rough, a victim of domestic violence by his wife, just had surgery to fix what she hurt, and over the past two weeks she has left him and they amicably decided to divorce. He's my friend, but long-distance so I can't be there to support him as a friend, which is frustrating. I do what I  can, including drinking with him the night his wife left him, and giving him a bit of release one night when we were both horny. He's considering moving up here, and friends have kindly offered a room in their apartment, however it means I may have to break my "no guys in my apartment" rule. I might have to get cleaning...

#3, aka Sanjay: "Sanjay" was a surprise to me. I got a message on FetLife from someone saying they'd admired my beauty for a decade. I thanked them but then said "...decade? I haven't been on this site long enough." With a little probing, he revealed who he was. I was surprised, a little panicked, a little weirded out, not gonna lie. But we got talking (we were coworkers together a long time ago and friends on Facebook) and discovered/discussed each other's kinks/needs. However, he asked to be my #3 when I was on my period, a week before finals. I asked him to please wait two weeks, which he did, patiently. Last night was our first encounter. He went down one me three times. Holy hell. And we fucked... twice? Yes, twice. Very fun. My abs hurt this morning. He responds to feedback well (I may have told him "you can spank me, pull my hair, and fuck me like you hate me if you want") and can fuck hard, which I appreciate.

And, a fourth? We'll see on this one. Potential fourth guy wanted to fuck today but so far I haven't heard from him. He's flaked a few times now so I'm not holding out hope. He first propositioned me in September and just now remembered he still has a house nearby (he's in a relationship, so he'll be sneaking around. Again, I'm not the morality police, I'll be discreet). So that's... iffy.

My Dog: Sadly, my foray into fimdomme was very short-lived. My Dog couldn't afford to keep me. Part of being a good domme is empathy, and I am human, so I completely understood the financial strain when he told me. Very nice guy though. Would've been interesting to see where that went. C'est la vie.

Findomme

I discovered findom a few months back on Twitter, whining about wanting a sugar daddy because I am a Broke Grad Student(tm). My tweet got a like and I looked at the profile of the person that liked it, someone who called themself "humanatm." Wow. Here were men whose kink was handing over their money to women. At first, I found it a little off-putting, until I realized it was just another form of dom/sub via degradation and humiliation. I thought I'd give it a go, since I've done degradation and humiliation for Number 1 before. I researched a little bit more and changed my whole Fetlife profile, and had just about given up on being a findomme when I got a message from a local who was interested in being my paypig. That was... Friday. After roleplaying a little through text, we agreed to meet in person (and I did so without a picture or a last name, which is counter to my personal rules for meeting someone online). Over coffee (that I made him pay for), we discussed a few finer details of the arrangement, and then at the end, he handed me his wallet. I happily plucked out the thirty dollars that was in there (minus the ones, which I dismissively told him to keep) and expressed disappointment he had come with so little cash. It was kind of a rush to just... take.

I've decided, since I hate pigs, and he is so very  obedient, to call him my dog. He has been a good dog, so far.

My dog does love worshiping my feet, so I told him he will be bringing me to the salon Monday for a pedicure. Foolish creature thought the $30 I took from his wallet was for that. He was corrected.

Because I don't let anyone into my house, I decided to say "fuck it" to my finals last night and meet my dog for some foot worship in his truck. If you've read back, you'll know that my most recent ex was into feet, but he was squeamish and germophobic, so my feet had to be clean for him to touch them. Not so with my dog. I enjoyed rubbing them on his face and having him clean them with his tongue. And sucking my toes. Damn.

I'd never really had my toes sucked. It was hot. Very hot. And I got a lovely foot massage after.

The fact that there is no expectation for sex is still an adjustment for me. I'm used to guys just assuming they're getting sex from me. I was actually so turned on from the thrill of it all, the power, (and the danger, since we were in a semi-public place) and the toe sucking that I had my Cyber Guy talk me off until I had to run to the bedroom, toy in hand.

I'm new to findom, but I think my dog will help me to learn quickly.

Distracted

I have been so incredibly horny lately, and lack actual partners to be with (Number 1 and I had a disagreement about how sex is going to work and I'm not sure where we stand). I'm so fixated on mouths, lips, I want intense, open-mouthed kisses, I want to moan into my partner's kiss. I want licking, biting. Possessive, alpha bites to the neck. I want someone to worship my body with their mouth. I want to sit on a man's face until I cum multiple times. But at the same time I want a fist in my hair, pulling my head back while I'm fucked from behind. I want never-ending stimulation.

I want.

A Born Mistress

Well. It has been a very, very long time since I've written in this blog. As a quick update, Foot Fetish broke up with me in August, I found out in September he'd been unfaithful to me, and I'm back to old habits and happier that way. Number 1 is still number one and I'm finding it difficult to build my stable again. I like young and pretty, but when it comes to arranging a meetup, they get scared. Bah humbug. But I've found a niche that I'm remarkably good at: The Unhappily Attached Man. I'm currently having a cyber affair with a friend who is in a sexless, unhappy marriage. I never really was into cyber that much, but the other night, after a session, I ran to my shower with my glass dildo in hand and came so quickly and so hard that my legs were shaking all night. So that was nice. There's also Former Coworker who is engaged, and has been for years, looking for... something (sex, definitely). I haven't gotten into his head yet to find out what's missing in his relationship, but I will. I seem to have a knack for these guys. I honestly should start charging, because I just guess I understand what men need. Which is ironic because I've been cheated on in every serious relationship (with Number 1 I understood why, with FF, he can go fuck himself because I realized it's a pattern with him). Ah, well. Maybe there will be more tales of sexual adventures soon.