My self esteem has taken a huge blow over the last few months with the loss of my libido. It put a strain on my relationship and made conversations difficult. In desperation, I did web searches for female sexual dysfunction; I did not want my boyfriend to be the type of man I write about, because I wasn't doing my job in my relationship. Everything I read talked about pelvic exams, cancer, hormones and menopause. I stepped back and thought "maybe I'm over-complicating this."
This past Friday night, as usual, Foot Fetish Boyfriend and I got together with our favorite married couple and their family for our weekly WWE and dinner. Boyfriend had been there a while before me, since he got out of work early. When I got there, I could tell he was horny. He had that look. Anyone in a relationship knows what I mean. You get to a point where you can read your partner. But I digress. So I had this horrible feeling that "oh god, he wants to have sex" and started to feel anxiety. Anxiety. Something is definitely not right there. I should not be feeling dread when it comes to sex with someone I care about.
Since we took separate vehicles, I was able to do some thinking on the way back to my house. I do a lot of my best thinking (and recipe building-- I'm a great cook) in the car. And that's where I realized that I had been over-thinking a lot of things. Now, I do think a lot of my libido issues are stemming from my bipolar issues and the medications I'm on. I'm working on that. But another thing I realized is that I just haven't liked who I am lately. I haven't felt sexy or desirable. I hadn't wanted to show off my body since I realized my weight gain and that had been getting me down in a big way. So when Foot Fetish Boyfriend advanced , I put out a verbal hand on his chest and said "not tonight, but... maybe Saturday. Here's my proposition..."
What did I do? I gave myself a spa day. I took the day and made myself feel sexy and feminine. Starting from the feet up with a pedicure, a manicure (had it not been snowing, I would have gone for a professional pedi; my feet were in rough shape), a French green clay mask, de-fuzzing of my winter fur, moisturizing, and a day filled with chick flicks, I felt totally refreshed and relaxed and sexified again. And when he got to my place, I was on my second drink and had a Disaronno and Sprite waiting for him. Sex was still difficult because I'm just not getting wet, but thanks to a sampler that my good friend Amanda sent me from her Athenas store, I had a lube sample that did the trick quite well.
And there you have it, children, your heroic author was able to have sex for the first time in months. The libido is come-and-go, and I can't help that, but at least I know that feeling good about myself and having a good solid "me" day is excellent sexual therapy.
Well done :)
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