I'm in a weird mood tonight. My Dog even tried to cheer me up by coming over with his wallet, buying me pizza, and some foot worship. As Christmas creeps around the corner, I'm grateful I don't have a significant other because I always spoil and over-spend on them (I was just talking to Number One about this last night as we reminisced about an expensive coffee pot I bought him one year). However, being a cyber mistress to a married man, a fuckbuddy with an ex, a fuckbuddy with an old friend, and a domme to a sub can be kind of lonely (not to mention I probably won't get Christmas presents, which shouldn't be important, but I like being spoiled). I don't want a relationship, I'm too bitter and jaded, but sometimes I want something that is mine. But maybe that's not it. I love the attention and always crave more, but maybe I miss the romance aspect of being in a relationship, not the relationship itself. I actually talk to and have great conversations with all my guys, even Dog when we're out of scene, but I kinda miss... romantic gestures from men. Dinner, movies, random flowers or gifts of my favorite candy, stupid shit like that. Sanjay will cuddle me all I want if I need it, Cyber will call me his beautiful Princess when I want adoration, but there's still a hole. Maybe I can only fill that with a relationship, which I am certainly emotionally not ready for, nor do I care to commit myself to one person any more (but I can't be in an open relationship because I can't share either). Maybe loneliness is my albatross to bear for the lifestyle I choose to lead.
I am a vampire who passes the night hours pondering her existence, a succubus who is always hungry for more.
It's lonely.
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