Vulnerability

A few days ago, Number 1 invited me to come over after work on Saturday night (that would be yesterday) for a threesome with his girlfriend. I was pleasantly surprised with the presence of a video camera (there's another off my bucket list).   It was a pretty routine three-way for us... a blow job, she and I ate each other out, another blow job, then he'd alternate fucking us. Another first was sitting on the girlfriend's face. Number 1 told me later he had intended his girlfriend to sit on me, to dominate me. I laughed and looked at her and said "I  think we all know I'm the alpha female in this bed."

After we were done and I had made him a sandwich (because of stress and lack of money, he hadn't been eating) I curled up on the foot of the bed and asked if it was bed time. "You have a half hour drive ahead of you' he said.

Wait, what?

Yes, as I have mentioned before, this lifestyle is very lonely. I have been craving affection, a simple cuddle, and the only man I invest emotions in sends me on my way. It is a measure of comfort having the anonymity of the Internet that I show any vulnerability. I cried the entire way home, cried myself to sleep, cried this afternoon when I woke up. The truth is,  I am lonely. Sex is nice and all, but sometimes I want something as simple as to be held, for someone to pay attention to me when we're not fucking.

My problem? I am far too honest about my lifestyle. One that I would trust for a relationship of any kind does not trust me, because he knows me. Bah.

We all have our off days.