Just a cross post

I wrote in my other blog about treating strippers with respect and dignity like you would any human being.

Hug Your Local Stripper Today!

The Young One

I know I have been rather absent from this blog, so I  thought today that I would regale those of you that still read with a tale of the past. When my slutdom was in its infancy, when I wanted to take multiple lovers but didn't know where to start, I started in the most natural place to me: the bowling alley. I watched the young men Number 1 interacted with, and found one to my liking. I texted him (Number 1, that is) saying that it would be quite nice to have a 3-way with the young man, when Number 1 confessed that he'd had him over several times, and had blown him. I was shocked that he'd hidden this but turned on. He wanted to make his move as well, so I waited. When the night happened, he had his phone and texted the details to me, and at one point called. I knew every sordid detail that Young One had done to Number one or had done to him, but was sworn to secrecy, lest he be scared off.

I knew I needed him. I still didn't know how to approach him, however, but as it would happen, shortly after his 21st birthday, Young One picked up a tremendously hard split, the 7-10 (here is Mark Roth picking up the 7-10 split if you're curious). I missed seeing it (dammit) since my back was turned, ordering  a beer or something at the snack bar, but I heard the tremendous cheer and word soon got to me that Young One on the Christian League had converted the spare. A few days later, I sent a "you don't know me, but congratulations" message on Facebook:

So you don't know me but I'm sure you've seen me at the bowling center on Thursdays. I just wanted to congratulate you on picking up the 7-10 split a couple of weeks ago. That's an incredible feat to have accomplished so early in your bowling career. I heard they no longer give a patch for that... that sucks hardcore. Best of luck on the next big split pickup.

Looking back at the messages, I sent it on my birthday. My 30th birthday. I must have had some liquid courage (and reading further in the messages, I was drinking). Heh. So I got back this:

haha yea it dose suck hard core and i kno who you are
so how you been ? how u been bowling ?

Ah, so we established contact.  We chatted on AIM, and how I wish I had the chat logs for that. I'm sure that night the talk quickly devolved to sex, as is wont to do. It wasn't long after that we started having sex. I made him wear a condom, despite my dislike for them. He was young and inexperienced and I wasn't shy in letting him know I wasn't having orgasms. He fucked like a jackrabbit in a fucking race, hell bent for finish. And aside from Number 1, I gave him probably the best blow jobs he's ever had, and will have.

But you know what? Oral sex was completely one-way with him. He absolutely refused to perform on me what I gave him, staunchly declaring "I don't do that." He had never even tried. So I was sneaky and would slip a finger in and then to his mouth. I found it absolutely ridiculous and was willing to teach him. I was willing to teach him a lot about pleasuring a woman, but his stubborn mulishness about oral sex is ultimately what caused me to be done with him. That, and I got bored of sloppy kisses and the same sex. I still see him every week at bowling, but he's long since given up on trying to get back in my pants.

Trans Teen Acceptance

Tonight I spent some time with Foot Fetish ExBoyfriend and he updated me on things that had gone on, including the fact that no one in the house cared that he was coming to see me tonight. "They have other problems," he said, "Teenage Daughter is at a friend's house. She wants to go to prom with him. She's going through hormone therapy now, and surgery is next year." Now here, he mixed up his pronouns and I got really really confused, thinking that Teenage Daughter, with all her gender-bending in roleplaying and video games was finally taking it to real life. He backtracked to clear it up. Teenage Daughter is aspiring to date a FtM transgendered individual.

"And her parents have a problem with that? Father I can see because he's an ass about that stuff but Mother I wouldn't think, what with Teenage Daughter's sister." (She has an older sister that is a butch lesbian and they are just waiting for the announcement of trans) "They had... higher expectations," he said. "She's already an outcast and bullied at school." "Then she needs to grow a thicker skin," I replied.

Quite frankly, this shows a level of compassion from Teenage Daughter that I was not expecting. She's pretty accepting of most people, but to be 18 or 19 and realizing that you're committing to a life-changing and gender-changing process is huge and scary and exciting, and you need a ton of support. I think especially when you're female to male. I think there's just more stigma to it. So for Teenage Daughter to accept, and love this person for who he is, is a beautiful thing that should be embraced, not something to be disappointed in. Frankly, she was bullied before. She's a passive kid and doesn't defend herself, but it's high school and this is her last year. She'll live. This act of compassion is so much more important. I wish her fucking ignorant piece of shit parents would understand that.

Sneaky Sneaky

It has been a very long time since I have written anything of any substance here, and I feel a bit bad, since there are so many hot topics concerning sexuality in the media lately. For now, I'll keep it personal. My last post was a bit self deprecating but the seduction was mutual. My ex Foot Fetish Boyfriend and I have been sneaking about. He isn't ready for a relationship again just yet, but he has been lying to his roommates, making excuses, and sneaking to me to have wonderful, amazing sex.

Why the secrecy? It's hot. There is a huge level of disapproval one of his roommates has for me (for whatever reason, bitter old hag) and this spares judgement, for now. And the ways we might sneak about too, are exciting: we had pondered the possibility of a rendezvous in his back yard but he feared his neighbors would see (let them see! I told him)  and then he said he could sneak me in the back stairway of his house, but only of Old Hag was sleeping and we were quiet (yeah... I have a hard time being quiet). The risk of being caught is thrilling. So far, though, he has only come to me, but that's fine.

I'm a biter and a scratcher and the first time he came to me I left him with a matching set of claw marks down his chest from his shoulders. Luckily for him, he never goes shirtless in front of people, but I have teased, threatened to leave visible marks. He pretends to be horrified but I can tell it turns him on.

For now I can accept the sneaking. It's fun. We know how we feel for each other and I will help him in whatever way I can to understand how he is feeling with other things that are going on outside of us.

The Perfidy of Woman

Am I such a hollow, shallow beast that I use only seduction to try to get my beloved back? Two relationships failed, two seduction attempts with amazing sex but ending with me alone and lonely and resenting myself. I am the worst sort of person.

More self-loathing and other brainthoughts directed here: http://ageneralmalaise.blogspot.com/

I don't know if I will be doing sexy things for a while.

oh yeah

I have a food and cooking blog if any of you care to know about my non-sexual hobbies.

The Smart Gourmand

Link opens in a new window :)

Sometimes you have to get away

I haven't really disclosed much but Foot Fetish Friend and I broke up a month ago. It was a mutual decision because right now with my mental illness, a relationship wasn't working. I didn't deal well with the breakup and turned in to the Psycho Ex no guy wants. I had the opportunity to go to Florida for 10 days and I took it. Being in another state, being away from everyone and everything gave me time to think, to have clarity. One of the big decisions I had made before I even left was to tell Number 1  that there would be no sexual relationship, that I wouldn't fall back on old habits of becoming the single slut. But in Florida, listening to the birds and smelling the orange blossoms on the breeze, I realized that my priorities were with Foot Fetish Friend, that I missed him terribly and that all the experiences  I was having, I wanted him to have too.

Since I've been back we've had our rocky spots, but we've been sneaking off to make out and last night tried to find a place in the dark outside of our friend's apartment building to fuck. Alas, despite the nice weather, there's still quite a bit of ice on the ground. Oh well. :)

Making changes

It's cold and windy and 4am, I don't sleep at night any more and my teeth are killing me. There's a chill creeping in that's got me tempted to grab my laptop purely for warmth as I think 2 more days until sunny Florida. I've got an entry writing in my head and I'm thinking of bringing my laptop on vacation with me but when my mother asks what I'm writing I don't really want to explain to her that I'm a sex blogger. I'm hoping to gain some clarity while I'm away; I've already made some changes to the way I'm going to be as a sexual being so that I can have healthier relationships. Being away from home and from everyone will give me time to think. When it comes down to it, I'm kind of a broken person right now. But I'm going to fix that.

Now if only I could get on a normal sleep pattern...

Insomnia and late night public television

I just caught the tail end of a documentary about Iranian transgendered individuals that I think was called "Be Like Others" (anyone know? Little help?). What little I saw was fascinating and sad; one individual was a prostitute who, prior to engaging in sex acts, had a temporary Islamic marriage to their client so that it was not a crime against God. Because she did not have functioning female parts, she could get a temporary marriage every few hours. The other person had a male boyfriend who would not give her family a proper engagement and dowry which frustrated her mother (it surprised me that the mother acknowledged her biological son as her post-op daughter). I really wish I had been able to see the whole documentary.

Do you Cry When You Have Sex?

For the first time, recently, Foot Fetish Boyfriend experienced for what men is probably a terrifying sight after sex: me crying (not that me crying, in particular, is terrifying, I cry pretty, thankyouverymuch). With alarm, he asked what was wrong while I laughed and cried and batted his concerned hands away.

Yes, folks, at times, even I, the Other Woman, am a post-sex crier. Sex is an emotional thing, you know? That night, it was because I finally felt good enough about myself to actually have and enjoy sex. I used to cry a lot during sex with  Number 1 for various reasons. The day after I found out he cheated on me and we had angry sex and he let me scream out all my hate while reclaiming what was mine I cried after. Other times I cried because it was that good. Sometimes I cried because I knew it could only ever be an affair and never a relationship again. Particularly with him, it brought out mixed emotions of loathing myself for going back time and time again, jealousy, and loving him. Sex just  seems to bring all that shit to the surface.

I only cry with the ones I'm emotionally invested in. I never cried after  sex with the Married One or the Young One (oh, haven't written about him!), only the ones I care about. The ones I get into relationships with.

I'm not sure what sparked the inspiration for this. I was actually browsing through Women Who Stray looking for some interesting psychological articles  to write about but all of a sudden this came to my head. And I tell you what... I couldn't find shit to listen to while writing. *disgruntled*

Anyway, are you a sex crier?

Depression and Cheating

For those of you who have been keeping up with this blog, you know that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and that I have been having some serious libido problems lately. Last night I experienced a rapid downward cycle (can I say it is weird to feel yourself cycle?) into depression and was up way later than anyone should have and awoke way cranky when Foot Fetish Boyfriend called me around 1 in the afternoon.

Anyway, I decided this afternoon to do some research into the effects of depression on libido, since that's a problem for me right now, and came across a really interesting article instead. The title caught me immediately: Can Infidelity Cure Depression? Hmm... I thought, very interesting question.

David J. Ley, PhD states that extramarital affairs by depressed women can have "The psychological effects of extramarital sex can involve feelings of increased self-esteem, and feelings of attractiveness, that other men find a woman attractive. That attention, and the thrills of developing a new relationship, even the excitement and risk of cheating, can all reduce feelings of depression. Of course, the negative consequences of a discovered affair could certainly increase depression, but during the early stages of the affair, those symptoms might be reduced." As someone who has always struggled with self esteem, I can certainly identify with what Ley is saying here. Not feeling good about yourself, and being able to get physical comfort from someone is a great boost to one's self esteem. And here's another shocking fact I was not aware of:

in having more sex, they may be getting something else that fights depression: semen. Believe it or not, research by Gallup and Burch reveals that men have been using a secret chemical weapon in the sex war. When analyzed, men's semen is shown to contain high levels (higher than mere accident) of numerous psychoactive hormones and substances.

I'm not advocating cheating, and nor is Ley, but the article in a whole has some interesting points. I also might add that there is a certain control factor in pursuing an affair that is helpful in lifting a mood; think about how depression make you feel: helpless, defeated, low. From my personal experience, when I used to 'hunt'  my boys, I felt great, desirable, dressed up, in control. Granted, I had some of my worst manic periods then, but I controlled the depression, it didn't control me, until I got lonely. It is, however, interesting food for thought.

A Change of Pace

I originally started this blog with the intention of making it something of an expose on the how and why of men that cheat and my experiences being the other women. However, as I grow and change as a person, as I encounter changes in my life and sexuality, so must this blog change too. The core concept will always center around sexuality and to some point, infidelity; one thing, though, that I find very important to include are real-world issues surrounding sexuality and sexual health. In this, I hope to find a wider audience, to reach out to those who may think they are alone in a situation, to educate. I am still going to include personal anecdotes because I believe we can all learn from each other. I will still try to keep abreast of the news when it comes to health and sexuality. I want this to be a blog people find interesting, subscribable, and sometimes, witty. This blog is me, 100%.

When two charities close to my heart collide...

The author of Coincidence and Leprechauns linked this article on her Facebook page and I am... speechless. I am so disappointed in the Susan G. Komen Foundation and feel let down by them; my Nana was a 3 time survivor of breast cancer and with another friend facing the possibility of breast cancer, I always found them inspirational. But it seems politics has gotten in the way. And Planned Parenthood is a very, very important resource for all women. It breaks my heart, really.

Susan G. Komen Begins Backpedaling for the Cure Read it and weep

Can we take the scary factor out of female exams?

Today I took my friend out to lunch after shopping and we were talking about the various doctor's visits we'd had within the last week and we discovered that there is way too much mystery surrounding the necessary exams women must have. She, being a Woman of a Certain Age, had her first mammogram today. She's been nervous for a week since her doctor ordered it. Today, she was pleasantly surprised to find out that it was No Big Deal and took about 30 seconds.

I remember my first pap smear. I got it right around 28 years old, and had been told by all the women I knew and TV that it was horrible, painful, traumatic. I put my feet in the stirrups, my doctor inserted the speculum, I felt something and done. And I said to her "that's it?" That was it. That was all.

Why the hell do we do this? Why don't we tell women (or men, for that matter) what to expect in these exams? Why do we shroud it in mystery and fear?  I put off a pap for the longest time because I was terrified. My friend thought the boob-squishing mammogram was going to hurt. Granted, these exams can be uncomfortable. Yes, it can be nerve-wracking to  let a stranger touch you or see you, but we prepare people for what to expect, these vital exams can be a lot more comfortable.


Remember kids, early detection is important.

Getting Sexy Back

My self esteem has taken a huge blow over the last few months with the loss of my libido. It put a strain on my relationship and made conversations difficult. In desperation, I did web searches for female sexual dysfunction; I did not want my boyfriend to be the type of man I write about, because I wasn't doing my job in my relationship. Everything I read talked about pelvic exams, cancer, hormones and menopause. I stepped back and thought "maybe I'm over-complicating this."

This past Friday night, as usual, Foot Fetish Boyfriend and I got together with our favorite married couple and their family for our weekly WWE and dinner. Boyfriend had been there a while before me, since he got out of work early. When I  got there, I could tell he was horny. He had that look. Anyone in a relationship knows what I mean. You get to a point where you can read  your partner. But I digress. So I had this horrible feeling that "oh god, he wants to have sex" and started to feel anxiety. Anxiety. Something is definitely not right there. I should not be feeling dread when it comes to sex with someone I care about.

Since we took separate vehicles, I was able to do some thinking on the way back to my house. I do a lot of my best thinking (and recipe building-- I'm a great cook) in the car. And that's where I realized that I had been over-thinking a lot of things. Now, I do think a lot of my libido issues are stemming from my bipolar issues and the medications I'm on. I'm working on that. But another thing I realized is that I just haven't liked who I am lately. I haven't felt sexy or desirable. I hadn't wanted to show off my body since I realized my weight gain and that had been getting me down in a big way. So when Foot Fetish Boyfriend advanced , I put out a verbal hand on his chest and said "not tonight, but... maybe Saturday. Here's my proposition..."

What did I do? I gave myself a spa day. I  took the day and made myself feel sexy and feminine. Starting from the feet up with a pedicure, a manicure (had it not been snowing, I would have gone for a professional pedi; my feet were in rough shape), a French green clay mask, de-fuzzing of my winter fur, moisturizing, and a day filled with chick flicks, I felt totally refreshed and relaxed and sexified again. And when he got to my place, I was on my second drink and had a Disaronno and Sprite waiting for him. Sex was still difficult because I'm just not getting wet, but thanks to a sampler that my good friend Amanda sent me from her Athenas store, I had a lube sample that did the trick quite well.

And there you have it, children, your heroic author was able to have sex for the first time in months. The libido is come-and-go, and I can't help that, but at least I know that feeling good about myself and having a good solid "me" day is excellent sexual therapy.

U.S. widens definition of rape crimes

Well it's about time. No changes in 80 years? Read the article.

Via Lifescript

It's Like that Annoying Alanis Morrissette Song

When I first started this blog, my goal was to define the Other Woman's side of things, give insight into why men may cheat on their significant others. I said it in the very first post that I would swoop on men who are not getting what they want or need from their women. And here I am, sitting here, in a relationship and my boyfriend and I haven't had sex since before Thanksgiving. It's January 9th.

It's all me. I haven't wanted sex. I haven't been horny, mentally or physically. I don't want to give blowjobs. I've tried "taking one for the team" but it's hard to be fucked when you're dry as a bone. I'm one of those women who isn't taking care of her man's needs and I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm weepy, my self-esteem is shot, and I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. He's frustrated. Conversations about sex are tense, and I cry a lot. I don't know how to fix it.

I feel broken.